The Unexpected Life...

It is with a little trepidation and a lot of deja-vu that I write this post....mostly because in typing the title I feel as if I have already written something along the same lines, or at least have felt this way many times before in my 35 years of mortal existence...but, being the inherently lazy person that I am,  I am not going to take the time to actually see if I have used this title before. Live with it.

   I don't know if it is the fact that I just turned 35, and am feeling my age and my general lack of self-approbation that makes me reflect as I have, but nonetheless, you are the lucky person who gets to read my said reflections and ponder them for yourself! (No body's making you read this, btw...you can navigate away to a better blog with funnier anecdotes and no body's the wiser....just sayin'!)

   When I was about 8 years old,  I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up...a nurse! I actually recall knowing that when I was about 4 years old, but the deal was sealed when I was in 2nd grade and had some major surgeries  (which by today's standards would be considered minor, same-day ones).  I ended up staying several days in the hospital and I just loved my nurses and knew that I would one day be one of them!  It was 14 years later when I received my nursing license in the mail.

I think that I was about 12 when I knew for sure that I would go on a mission. I just never thought differently, I knew that one day I would be a Sister Missionary with a name tag and a companion to boot!  I received my mission call in October of 1994... I drove up to a beautiful spot in the mountains behind the Provo Temple, and I had a very spiritual moment with myself and the Lord and the Holy Ghost. I opened my call alone up there and instantly knew that Brazil was the right place for me to serve.

Not sure at what age, but I also knew deep inside of me, that I would go to BYU (Go cougs, go!).  I think I received my 'early acceptance' letter during my second semester of my senior year at Bountiful High.

     I also know that at one point, I will be on a mission with Greg, when we are older. These are just things that I have always felt, and never had reason to think otherwise.

 When Greg was deciding on a career, and in other big decision areas in life, we have often had conflicting views over the decision making process. Conflicting as in,  he has a hard time deciding on anything, and I can generally choose whatever decision in a few seconds. This holds true for many other aspects in life.

  When I was engaged to Greg, my parents lived in Hong Kong. I waited for my mom to come home around General Conference time and then she and I went out to choose the wedding things...you know, the cake, reception place, food to be served, flowers, colors, etc. I literally chose everything in a day. I mean, we walk into the floral shop, I take a few minutes to look at pics of arrangements, see some that are pretty, and chose them. Same with the cake... I looked at about 5 or 6 pictures, then chose one I thought was pretty. My mom was a little astounded with my rapidity in making decisions and remarked to me after each time I chose something, "Are you sure?" I am thinking to myself, "I just said that was what I wanted, why should I not be sure?" And she then said something like, "It's just that most girls think about these things for a long time and have it planned out in their heads and spend months making these decisions."   Well, I guess that I am not 'most girls'.  Also, who wants to think about flower arrangements or a cake for months? Seriously.

  When we deciding to build the house, it was exciting and fun to me. I loved being able to choose out our personal things...paint colors, flooring, etc. Again, there arose some frustration within the marriage as I would quickly chose things that I liked, and Greg would be frustrated and baffled that I could possibly know what I really wanted after looking at paint samples (or whatever the item was) for only a few minutes.

To me, it is just PAINT...why stress over it?  It is just a wedding cake...why stress over it? It is just a car...why stress over it? You get my point?

   Anyhow, that is just an example of how my life seems to go, as far as making decisions...it just comes naturally or easily to me. MOST. OF. THE. TIME.

  One of the hardest decisions that I ever have to make (besides choosing between mint and sweet-cream as the base flavor at Cold Stone) is regarding family, as in, the one that I am raising, and when to have children, etc. I realize that this is because it is so much bigger than just me....it involves Greg and the Lord and all of the eternal implications attached to it.


So, although it was really soon after our wedding when I got pregnant the first time, I was really excited about it. I am sure that Greg was filled with more trepidation than I, because remember, I generally don't ponder the depth of the pool before diving in!  When I began to bleed and subsequently miscarried that first baby, I was so saddened by it. I cried about it, I struggled with the "why's" of the whole thing. I then accepted that this whole 'baby-making-child-rearing-thing' was something that is beyond my personal control....in a sense.

     Shortly after,  I became pregnant with Maelynn. I was super happy about it, and finishing up Nursing School at the same time left me little time to 'worry' about the pregnancy. She was born while Greg was at Graduate School and we were in Iowa. It was a glorious time of life. I am not just romanticizing this...it truly was. Although we were dirt-poor and in school and in debt,  and we lived so far from family, nevertheless, we were our own little family unit! We had dear friends near us who were going through the same situation as we were. We had naiveté and love and youthfulness on our side. I honestly treasure those times.

    When Maelynn was only 5 months old, I got pregnant again. It was completely un-planned, unexpected, and frankly, un-scientific considering the many factors going against getting pregnant (like having a new baby that was constantly nursing, and being on birth control at the time). So.....when I finally figured out that I was pregnant, I cried. I cried and I cried the entire day until Greg got home from school. I told him the sombre news, and he comforted me and told me it would be ok.Then reality hit in about 4 hours later that night when he started thinking about how in the world we would be able to take care of another child and what in the world his father would say/think.

    Well, anyone who has ever met Landen knows that he is a special gift sent to help us...he is truly a miracle and is one choice that I have had ZERO to do with, and can take ZERO credit for.

    Seth and Sadie were both decisions that followed in due time, that I felt that the Spirit had helped me to make. Lane came after a particularly strong dream/vision after my grandfather passed away.

    Then there was Levi. What an experience that was. Talk about having no control over decisions.... I was again left with the pain of not understanding why this happened. When I had the first miscarriage, I was saddened and left wondering. But, with delivering Levi, and getting to hold him, it brought a new level of grief and questioning to my life.  I knew that I would yet deliver another LIVE baby after that day. I just didn't think that it would take me so long to conceive.  A whole year...that may seem like nothing to a lot of people...but this is ME, fertile-myrtle-ME who only had to look at Greg across the room and I would get pregnant (or so it seemed).

    So, a year later, when I finally confirmed that I was pregnant with Miles, and again when Miles joined our family...we felt so complete. I was happy with the knowledge that our family was whole and we had 6 beautiful children here with us, and a little Levi angel in Heaven.  Due to some medical conditions, I was contemplating having a serious surgery (hysterectomy). Not just contemplating it, but actually planning it. I had it scheduled at the hospital and with my insurance. Then, about a week before the scheduled surgery, I just felt really uneasy about it. I still felt it was the right thing for me, medically, but was struggling with the timing of it. So, needless to say, I followed my gut and reluctantly cancelled the surgery. I spent a lot of time crying after that decision too. Mostly because I knew that although it is my body, it would indirectly affect Greg as well.

     I still felt really happy and complete with my 6 children and had no real desire to have any more. I know for a fact that Greg felt the same way. Finally, peace about the decision.  A few months later, after a missed day, and 3 NEGATIVE pregnancy tests, I was confronted with a positive one. I was in shock. It couldn't be. I was DONE. We were DONE. This would be disastrous. My perfectly even number of children with a perfect pattern to their names. Our perfect bedroom set-up. Our perfect number of seat-belts. Our perfect happiness with our current situation. All of it...tuned upside down in a matter of seconds...with only 8 more months to absorb it all. I looked at my sweet little Miles and cried. I didn't believe it could be so. WHY? This was what we were again trying to avoid, and taking measures to do so.

 I then thought of Landen, and what an unexpected blessing he has been to our lives, and I knew that this would end up being a blessing in disguise as well.... although, I knew that it wouldn't be easy for Greg to accept, just as it was hard for me to accept. So, I did what anyone who was scared and foolish would do... I DIDN'T tell him. For quite a while. Mostly because I was scared of the reaction, partly because I lacked faith, and partly because I was still in shock myself.  When the fateful night came (about 6 weeks later)  that I could no longer bear it, I told him. There were, of course, tears shed, words shared, and prayers said.

   I suppose that this is something that I will have to learn from and to accept.
 I went to BYU.
 I went on a mission.
 I married Greg.
 I became a nurse.
 I had my even number of 6 children.

Now THIS?

  As one who likes to make decisions, even though at times it is irrationally fast, when things happen to me that are NOT how I decided them to be, it is sometimes tough to deal with...thus, the UNEXPECTED LIFE...the little, tiny, moving-inside-of-me-UNEXPECTED-life.

I know that things will turn out ok....  I have faith in the fact that God loves me, that Greg loves me, and so what else really matters?


P.S. Just found out that it is a boy...so I am trying to cope with that as well! At least I have all the baby items already (mind if I hang on to them for a while, Alison and Jill?) Now for another awesome Bailey name???  I'm open to hearing suggestions, and no need to fit any pattern. =)

P.P.S. I LOVE YOU ALL- - - yes, YOU!!!    Anyone who actually took the time to read this insanely long post of my rambling thoughts on multiplying and replenishing deserves at least my LOVE...and a hug for good measure!