A Story of Forgiveness and Crashing my Husband's Dream...

What a title..let me get starting on explaining it...

A few weeks back, I was involved in a car accident.  Just typing that is a bit harder than even saying it.  What's even harder for me is that it was technically my 'fault'.
   It was one of those rush-about days that are an all too frequent occurrence around our house. I had managed to throw together a fairly decent dinner, sat down and prayed with Greg and the kids that were home, and began to ingest a few bites when I looked up and saw the clock on the stove read 5:58pm.

Gasp. Swallow.

"Greg, I gotta run pick up the kids at 4H at the Bishop's house." So I grab the keys and decide to take the large 'Bailey Express Van' that was currently sitting right out the front door in the driveway...quicker to grab them and get back on these snowy roads. As I climb into the driver's seat, I turn around and notice that there is a huge, heavy door that Greg had just purchased and brought home to install on our gun room. I knew that he had asked a neighbor to come and help him carry it downstairs as I was no good to him in my overly pregnant condition.

  I head over to pick up the kids. They come out and tell me that I need to go inside to sign some paperwork. Ugh, I think to myself, I have got to hurry home and drop of these kids and get Sadie to her dance class. I go inside and sign papers, say hello to a few friends, and quickly make my way back to the van. I had a bunch of books and papers for Primary on the front seat and ask Maelynn and Landen to just get into the next row (the only one available as the huge door is covering the rest of the rows). I put the car into reverse and slowly back up to the edge of the driveway. I look to the right, then to the left, then I press on the gas to go.

   All of a sudden there is a sickening sound of a crunch into the side of the van, and all of the airbags deploy. It takes a second to get our breath. I begin to panic and question the kids, "Oh my gosh. Are you guys ok? Are you ok, Landen? Are you ok, Maelynn?" After quick affirmations from them both that they are fine,  I start crying, nearly uncontrollably.

"What just happened? Oh my gosh, Greg is going to kill me. I can't believe that just happened. What just happened? I didn't see anyone at all. Did you guys see anyone? No, we didn't see anyone at all. Oh my gosh...the new van. Greg is going to kill me. How did this happen? I swear I looked."

  We all get out of the car, the kids climbing up through my door as the side air bags were blocking the sliding door by them. We stand on solid ground and my head spins. I can't stop crying. At this point there are lots of others around assessing the situation, I am sure many of them already having dialed 911.

 The other driver...oh my..are they ok? It was a small car and was totally smashed up into the side of our big van, her air bag deployed as well.  I see there are other people over there talking to her. I notice it is a lady and she is conscious...but not getting out of her car.  I go to the opposite window and through my tears I begin to tell her, " I am so sorry. I did NOT see you at all. Are you ok?" She says that her leg is hurting her, and she bumped her head with the airbag/steering wheel. I can't stop crying and apologizing and she just looks at me and says, "It's just material things.... I am OK." I couldn't believe the words that this stranger just said to me...it was like an instant bandage placed over my bleeding heart in the moment of distress.  Later I recall her words and wonder if she really said them or if I just imagined them.

  There are friends and neighbors around making sure that my kids are ok and warm and calling my husband to come over. Luckily he makes it over before the cops block the road off. The emergency crews arrive and start helping the other driver. They keep asking if everyone is ok from our car, and all I can say is, "I am fine. We are fine. I am just worried about the other driver. I just feel so bad for her. I did not see her at all. I just want her to be ok."  Someone covers me in a blanket.. I hadn't noticed the frigid temperature, or that I was still wearing flip-flops and an apron over my huge belly.

    As they take the other driver away and the tow trucks come for both of our cars, my husband embraces me, tries to console me, tells me it's ok, that he is glad that we are ok. I keep apologizing. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before.

"I remember looking, Greg, I do. I don't know how I missed her." He walks me to his little car a few houses down and I am still wiping tears and shaking some. As I enter my warm home, all I can think about is the other driver and how it all happened so fast.

   I think that the human psyche has a way of not wanting to accept total blame for anything that happens, and my mind quickly starts to question if the other driver even had her lights on, or how fast she was going. None of it made sense. Ultimately, I know it is my fault, as I was the one backing out, but it just hurts so bad to assign this blame to myself, especially because I couldn't logically figure out how it had even happened...plus the fact that I had just crushed my husbands dream car (thus the second half of the title). My kids were traumatized as much as I was, I am sure. And that poor sweet lady, and her car and her leg.

   I think that although family prayers of gratitude for our safety, and petitions for the welfare of the other driver were offered up to Heaven in all sincerity... I just couldn't put my poor mind to rest. I laid there in bed and tossed and turned all night. I couldn't stop reliving the moment..trying to see if there was something I had missed.

"Had the door in the back of the van caused a 'blind spot' where I didn't see her? Was it possible she forgot to turn on her lights? Did I just look too quickly and not pay good enough attention? How could I make things better now? That is what my job is...as a mother, as a wife, as a nurse...to make things BETTER. Not to mess things up or makes people's lives worse. Ugh. Can I even feel the baby move? Has he moved since the accident? What if I did something to harm him?"

The feelings of guilt from when Levi had died resurfaced. I kept assigning myself blame for his premature demise at the time it happened. The mind just doesn't work logically sometimes, especially under stress and no sleep. I was wondering if I should take a sleeping pill, or if not being able to sleep was the least of what I deserved for my lack of judgment and driving skills. I was paralyzing myself with fear thinking about ever having to drive or especially 'back out' again.

As it turned out, my dear friend was over the next day and asking me if I knew who the other driver was, I read the name to her from the accident report and her face lit up with recognition. "Oh my gosh, she is in my ward. She is actually in the new Primary Presidency with me."

Gut. Punch.

"What? What cruel twist of fate is mine? You mean that me as a new Primary President did this to someone in the neighboring ward who is also in the same church building and in her Primary Presidency as well?" I would be seeing this person a lot. It made the whole thing that much more personal and painful.

Double. Gut. Punch.

At that very moment I knew I had to go and visit her and see how she was, and offer all my profuse apologies in person. I didn't know what else I COULD do. My friend contacted her family and learned where she was at and that she had to have knee surgery to repair her knee with screws and all.  All of my thoughts and prayers were sent Heavenward for her recovery and for her forgiveness. I took my husband and some flowers with me and made my way, fighting off awkwardness and fear all the way into her hospital room. She was laying there with her eye all bruised from the airbag, and it made me feel even worse. She smiled and she let me approach and give her the roses. I took her hand and asked for her forgiveness and told her sorry and she looked into my eyes and said how she was just glad that we were not injured, and how she herself was so worried with me being so pregnant, and how of course she doesn't hold ill will toward me, and how 'these things happen'.

It was like a weight was lifted to just hear her say those kinds words. I knew in my head that I had not intentionally done anything to hurt anyone, that it was a crazy accident, but my heart needed to hear that, to receive that soothing balm....even the balm of Gilead. There was a tangible flow of love from my hands to hers, and I just prayed with all I had that she would heal physically and that I would heal mentally.

The following days and weeks have slowly brought a few more drops of peace into my life as I begin to move forward from what at the time seemed to be a paralyzing event that would alter me forever. I have been super careful to always wear my seatbelt and to check about ten times before backing up or turning or anything. I have learned to slow down and take some deep breaths, even when I am in a 'hurry'. I have learned to accept myself and forgive myself for my shortcomings on a daily basis. I have learned how grateful I am for a spouse who is WISE enough to always be prepared with good insurance and who is KIND enough to put me above a $10,000 mistake. I have learned how the peace of forgiveness  and the love of God truly does dwell in good people's hearts everywhere.

I have always been in LOVE with Christmastime, and the spirit that permeates the air...but I guess this year the season started out with a bit more of an awakening for me....to the reality of what really matters, and to a gratitude for a loving Father in Heaven who sees all, and who knows all and who LOVES all.