Yes, I'm 36 and had a hysterectomy...

    There are so many reasons NOT to talk about personal matters, or even medical matters. But, for the sake of this blog being my only sort of "journal" at all...I thought I had better talk about it. So here goes...

        A while ago, I really needed to get a hysterectomy, for medical reasons.  All I got when I told people about it were a LOT of unsolicited personal opinions about how I shouldn't get it, how I should look at alternatives, etc.etc. There is almost nothing in the world that I hate more than people preaching to me. So, I tried to ignore everything and just trust my own feelings. Being a nurse I knew that this was the only rational solution to the life-interrupting problems that my uterus was causing me, but I also prayed about it. I felt fine about it. Only thing is, over the last 28 years since being blessed with the gift of the Holy Ghost in my life, I have learned to listen, to trust my gut on feeling "uneasy" about a decision as a possible warning from the Holy Ghost.  (D&C section 9)

       Well, about 5 days before my scheduled surgery, I started feeling uneasy about it. I had a very strong feeling. The feeling was this: "This is the right PROCEDURE for you to have, just not the right TIME".  As difficult as the call was to make, I called the hospital and cancelled my surgery. Then I cried. For quite a while.

     Fast forward to about 4 months later, and we are moved into our new home, going through the stress that comes with that, and I find out that I am pregnant. OF COURSE this was not in any way planned, anticipated, or quite frankly, desired. When I was about 2 months pregnant, I told Greg. Then at about 4.5 months, I told others.  There are way too many emotions, discussions, tears, questions, conversations, prayers, pleadings, explanations to fully divulge here, but Heaven has recorded them.

     Things went surprisingly well during my last pregnancy, and we were blessed with a healthy sweet little Emerson. We honestly can't imagine our lives without him, as cliche as that phrase is. But, I am certain that no matter how many children anyone ends up having, they could say the same thing about each one of them.  Lest I paint a false-picture here of idyllic happiness with the new baby, let me just say for the record that this last year has been one of the hardest of my life. Having TWO babies only 13 months apart at the BEGINNING of our child-rearing years was no picnic for sure, but having TWO babies only 16 months apart at the END of our child-rearing with five older kids in the mix is ten-fold to the tenth more difficult. (* Ease up....I never was that great at math!)

        As the days and months went forward, my uterus began to betray me again.  It finally got to a point where I knew that I needed to call the doc and reschedule the surgery. This time I felt the same feeling of confidence in the decision to move forward, and thankfully no 'Uneasiness' befell me.  I decided to go ahead with the surgery without any widespread notifications, in an attempt to spare myself of the inevitable confrontations or unwanted opinions or judgements of others this time around.

   The surgery went very well, my recovery was as smooth as it could be for a mother of 7 with 2 babies at home, and I was blessed with caring mothers, siblings, and friends to help us out. There have been many positive things I have noticed in my life since the surgery. (And I don't just mean the obvious one of cessation of hemorrhaging to death menses). I have noticed an increased sense of empathy for others who have similar medical situations, an increase in patience, an increase sense of awe at the healing the human body is capable of, an increase in appreciation for my mother and my mother-in-law, an lastly, an increase in the bond that developed between Emerson and Greg.

    Yesterday we had a beautiful Family Home Evening with some of our dear friends that we have known for 7+ years here in I.F. All of our children were able to act out the Nativity and we enjoyed good food and conversation. It was a nice distraction for me on the birthday of my angel baby Levi, whom I miss greatly.

     December is sometimes hard for me because of how much I think about him, wonder about him, long to have him alive and in my arms. I often see Lane and think of what great buddies he could be with Levi, who would have been 4 years old. I dream about the day when they will meet each other, I can envision their sweet embrace in my mind.  Although we don't talk a lot about Levi, it nearly made my heart melt when we were having prayer that night, and Lane decided to sing Happy Birthday to the little brother he never knew. Anytime I feel like I am going to sweat from my eyeballs I get uncomfortable and so I told him, "It's ok, Lane", but he just kept going, the whole song through, solo.
 "...Happy Birthday dear Levi, Happy birthday to you."

      And it hit me with great force, once again, of the inner desire that I own. The desire to be pure and righteous and patient and loving. Forgiving, calm, obedient, kind, giving. The desire to do all that I mortally can to make it back to my Heavenly Father. To be able to hug my grandparents again. To meet Feki who feels like the uncle I never knew. To be able to shake hands with Joseph Smith and whisper my inadequate 'thanks' into his ears. To be able to hold my sweet little Levi and smother him with kisses, and to have his eyes look back into mine, and KNOW that I was his earthly mother and how much love I possess for him.
 
      This time of year, when people ask, "What do you want for Christmas?"  I want to yell out, "All of that, that is what I want. That is ALL I want."

 And no matter how hard I want it, no matter how hard I try for it. I know that I can't make it.

NOT 

WITHOUT

THE 

GREATEST 

GIFT 

OF

ALL...

...The gift that came to earth in a tiny mortal shell, in a manger, under a shimmering star.

Oh how I LOVE My Savior.

Merry CHRISTmas indeed.