the CIRCLE of LOVE

In my thoughts about this post, I wanted to talk about a CIRCLE, and about LOVE...thus the title. But when I wrote it down just now, all that came to my mind was Dustin Hoffman and the "circle of trust" in Meet the Parents!! lol

Spoiler alert: "This post will contain many rambling thoughts (as is typical per Viki's head). Be prepared to be confused and/or bored at any time."

Over the last nearly 7 weeks of being mostly at home with a newborn, I have had oodles of time to think and ponder, and I have been wanting to have some sort of electronic device that would be able to record those thoughts and then spit them out in perfect grammatical flowing sentences..but I guess my poor brains (whats left of them) and my fingers will do their best.

It is nearly every single day that I have some sort of a spiritual message or thought that keeps repeating itself to my mind. Lately, it has been the phrase about God's plan being 'one eternal ROUND'. This is a theme that is intriguing to me. I find examples of 'rounds' or 'circles' all about me. The other day Sadie was reading a little book called "Where does my food go?" all about digestion, and I thought "Yup...even the 'cycle of life' itself is truly that...a CYCLE.
  I watched a cheesy jewelry commercial about a diamond necklace with the symbol of an embrace..and I thought about the embrace itself, how a HUG forms a circle around someone.
  While I am wiping little poppy bottoms, I am always thinking of how someday these little ones could be wiping mine. Having worked for many years with the elderly in a nursing capacity, I have seen it firsthand..the compete return to childhood and even infancy prior to death. It always amazes me...the cycle of life.

No beginning.
No end.

The symbolic nature of the circle has always intrigued me...even as a child. I recall trying to figure out where a circle started and where it ended, and always ended up frustrated with my lack of progress in that quest after tracing my little fingers around and around it.
 When I learned of the meaning of the wedding ring..the symbol of ETERNITY of marriage, of love...it all rang true with me.
   But trying to analyze it deeply, I just can't quite comprehend how it all works.. I mean, if we always were, where were we before that? (tongue twister and brain twister too!)

  Speaking of circles, this last weekend brought up more thoughts in said realm.  Having lived in Idaho Falls for nearly 7 years now, we are often saddened to be far away from family (I know, I don't think 3 hours is very far in reality either)... I mean, don't get me wrong, I LOVE living here, and raising my children here...but when we have somewhat important events or recitals or ordinances, it would be nice to have some family involved (thankfully both of our parents are always very attentive to major events). I have 4 siblings living in Utah and so does Greg. (Plus I have one who lives in California who happened to be there in SLC for the week...hooray!)  They all have very busy lives and we understand that. So we decided to pack up the 9 of us and head to Utah for the blessing of our final little blessing.

   My eldest sister, Nancy, graciously hosted the event and I was super excited to get to see everyone and for everyone to meet the chunky little soul that is a big part of my every day.  There were trivial things to worry about, like logistics and cost of gas and food, and would he even fit into the blessing outfit we used for Miles at the rate he is growing? (Answer: It was a stretchy sort of material and we made it cover as much of those nearly 14 pounds of sweet softness that we could!)

    Cue to the hour of the planned blessing: There are nearly 47 people all around Nancy's house and Emerson's little body decided to get a bunch of mucous up the nasal passages...so much so that he couldn't breath while nursing, and therefore he would just scream and scream..because how could he know anything but "I'm starving, and I can't even eat and breath?"
  Poor guy.
  Poor me.
 Stress levels in check, but rising anxieties about the people waiting in the living room hearing the gut-wrenching screams. Kind sisters called and found a nasal suction bulb from a kind neighbor, and eventually Emerson was able to breath enough to be able to nurse enough to be able to calm down enough to be able to be handed over to his faithful father for a blessing.

  I handed him to Greg, and quickly picked up Miles who was also a bit fussy.. I sat on the stairs with him, alongside some other family members and Lane, who incidentally was also not interested in any quiet moments for letting the spirit permeate his mother's ears. I had a prayer in my heart that it would go well and Emerson would be calm. Greg and the other faithful Priesthood holders gathered in the CIRCLE around my sweet baby and then it began..the fussing...the increased fussing...elevating to crying...greg's jostling arms trying to shake him gently as his mouth was pronouncing sacred blessings....culminating in full-out screaming as the blessing was given.  All of a sudden, as I was firmly trying to hold Miles to my lap, I heard it: "Amen"s rebounded around the room and in my head.

   People began to ask me, "Did you hear any of it?" I thought to myself, "Did anyone?" I was saddened that I missed it, but also knew that it was lovely and full of truth, whatever was said...because I know Greg.

    Conversations were whirling all around the house and I wandered around trying to talk to a few people before they took off. I saw Landen talking to Greg and there were tears in his eyes. Apparently he had been down in the basement playing with cousins, and in the hustle and bustle of everything, they had failed to be notified that it was going on. My heart sank... I felt worse for Landen than for myself...because he is so fresh in the Priesthood and this was an ordinance that was special to him and he had missed it, and it affected him so. Sweet tender soul.

   Greg apologized to us both (although it was not at all his fault that Emerson decided to exploit his lungs to full capacity at that precise moment), and he promised to tell us both later about what he blessed Emerson with.

   Later that evening as we were talking with family members, my mother asked me if I heard any of the blessing at all. I remarked that I hadn't. Then my father quickly responded with something to the effect of... "It's ok. It was a lovely blessing. The angels in Heaven couldn't hear the screaming and they have recorded it and that is all that truly matters."
That felt right. And made me feel better.

   I am constantly fighting feelings of exhaustion and confusion and decreased cognition and lack of motivation and possibly-pseudo-postpartum-depression/sadness and a frequently recurring case of 'Why-am-I-the-only-thing-that-soothes-this-infant?'-itis.  In my moments of self-pity and self-doubt, I am given glimpses of truths...things that I already know, but obviously need reminded of.
    Having 7 children under 13...NOT planned.
    Having the first two and the last two children so close together...also NOT planned.
    Doing 5 loads of laundry a day...SO NOT planned.
    Worrying about Primary responsibilities on top of daily family responsibilities...again NOT planned.

So, Heavenly Father gently reminds me in ways I need about the importance of the whole Eternal plan..about the REASON we are given these sweet spirits in the first place to watch over here in mortality.
It is in the daily surprise squeezes from my 5 year old as he embraces me and Emerson while I am nursing him, with an "I LOVE you Emerson. I LOVE you Mom" for no apparent reason at all.

CIRCLE.  OF.  LOVE.

It is in the lesson I learned from my toddler, Miles, this weekend.

 That boy has always been enamored with himself. As an infant he would beg to be held up to the mirror and would laugh and smile at his own face. He LOVES pictures of himself. Serious happiness. So when we walked into my parents home and he saw a full length mirror (which are absent from my home completely on purpose), he got a huge smile and he instantly ran with outstretched arms toward himself as if to embrace that cute little guy. It was the coolest moment ever. I started thinking about it. About how much God loves us. About how much we should love ourselves for who we are. About how we are taught to become again as little children: humble, submissive, meek, etc. And about how maybe that is one aspect of that equation that we need to learn, to LOVE ourselves truly. To be able to see ourselves in God's eyes and want to stretch out our arms and embrace our eternal self. Not 'self-centered' per se, but 'self-respecting'.
   And maybe, just maybe, that is why we are commanded to have these little ones, as a  constant reminder and example around us of what he wants us to be like.
CIRCLE. OF. LOVE.

I actually saw some of my sister--in-laws struggling with their little toddlers that night and instantly my thoughts were of compassion for them. I seriously thought to myself, "Oh my... I remember those days." Then I made myself laugh internally as I quickly realized, "Oh my...What am I thinking? I am still living those days!"
It is indeed a difficult time of life for me right now, but I am seeing the silver lining of blessings around the storm clouds of my hectic life. And that gives me enough sanity amidst my chaos, and enough hope during my moments of despair to pull myself outward and backward and see the bigger picture of life, of family, of eternity.
CIRCLE. OF. LOVE.

I later received a brief outline of some of the things that were said in the blessing...

Here is what I learned that the Spirit impressed Greg to bless Emerson with:
1. That he would be a person of gratitude and always find things to be thankful for in life
2. That he would have an open mind and sensitive heart to be able to identify truth and to use that truth to help him make decisions in life
3. That he would have the physical and spiritual strength to be able to fulfill his mission in life
4. That he would have the capacity to understand his potential as a Son of God

Such eloquence. Such truth. Such beauty. Such are the things of eternity...indeed the very CIRCLE of LOVE!

    Yesterday we took advantage of the fact that we were in Utah to go and see the Carl Bloch exhibit at the Museum of Art at BYU. I had heard nothing but great things about it, and realizing it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, we just had to go. It was indeed fantastic. I would highly recommend it to anyone who can travel there.  Although we had all 7 kiddos with us, and were therefore not able to contemplate and ponder as much as I would otherwise have done, I still felt the great spirit of LOVE emanating from the canvases. I am so grateful for the life and mission of Jesus Christ and for all He did for me. The painting of Christ in Gethsemane with the angel bearing him up is so touching.

 I especially love how His arms are in a circle...

CIRCLE. OF. LOVE.

I am so thankful for a loving family, for the knowledge of the gospel, and for the atonement that allows me to not only repent, but to receive much needed comfort in my trials. 

"But behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his glory, and I am enCIRCLEd about eternally in the arms OF his LOVE." (2 Nephi 1:15)