Times and Seasons..

So much reflection going through my mind right now...about 36 years of memories to be precise. Funny thing is, I can't recall a lot of the details. I get frustrated with myself about that at times. The NOT being able to remember things...not in an Alzheimer's sort of way, but just in a 'my-crazy-busy-life-has-been-so-full' sort of way. I have this friend named Christy, and she has an amazing memory for details. When we would talk about stuff, I would always feel guilty for not remembering something we had done or shared together, and she would be able to tell me exactly what I was wearing and who I was talking to, etc. etc.

   Anyhow...this post really isn't meant to be about how terribly OLD I am getting (although, 36 is getting up there...as my oldest daughter reminded me tonight when I mentioned to her "Can you believe I am getting OLD?" and she quickly replied "....er"!)

   There are a million and a half things that I wish I could incorporate into my life. Literally, you name it, I likely have wanted to do it. Skydiving? YUP. Traveling the world? YUP. Hunting? YUP. Quilting? YUP. Geneology? YUP  Spending lots of time exercising? YUP (ok, maybe not LOTS...but more than current level).

Anytime I start to think about all that I would like to do in my life, I just remind myself of the commonly used scriptural reference "times and seasons". 


"To every thing there is a SEASON, and a TIME to every purpose under the heaven;" Ecclesiastes 3:1

I remind myself that there will be a time in my life where I will be able to do genealogy. There will be a season in my life where I will have grown children and be able to travel, and hunt, and yes...skydive!

    It is one thing to tell yourself this, and another altogether to actually believe it. I mean, to really believe that there will be a day without screaming babies; fighting kids; nagging to do chores; poppy diapers; markers on walls and bodies; warm puke running down my neck and arm; screams of terror at a tiny prickly in the foot; the endless whine of 'come wipe me'; never-ending loads and loads of laundry; stepping on sticky patches throughout the kitchen that was mopped 26 minutes ago; having to enter and exit the sacrament doors 7 or more times each meeting; stopping the car to pick up shoes and skates and bikes before pulling into the garage; filling shopping carts with more kids than stuff; etc. etc.

I mean, when you are going through it, it seems like it will never END! But I guess that is how our lives are. I mean, as teenagers we feel invincible, even immortal, and I think that as we get older, our mortality becomes a little bit more real, only to realize that we will have ETERNITY at this thing called LIFE. 

  Don't get me wrong, I do love it. I love life. I love the fact that I have lived such a full one. I love the fact that I will get to share mine with so many other lives that I have had the blessing of mothering. I am not thinking about death because I am THIRTY-SIX now...but I had the weirdest sort of vision the other day...maybe not a vision, per se, but a strong visual of something. Let me explain...

   You know how when people are about to die, they say that they see their whole life flash before them? Well, I don't know if it is sort of like a movie or what, but I pictured that it would be like a rapid-fire succession of images. And I pictured a whole bunch of still-shots of tiny moments of mortality. And what I saw amazed me. 

 It was snapshots of numbers and measurements. Curious, I know. 

Each snapshot was a big picture with a number attached to it and then an explanation of what it was. Things like ...

214 with a picture of bloody little knees and toes and bandages being placed on them. 78 with a close up shot of tired fingers braiding a little girl's hair. 344,568 with big genuine toothy smiles. 52 with a picture of blood and the words 'gallons of blood shed from womb to give life'. 613 visiting teaching visits, with tons of faces of women all over it. 469 pints of milk given to nourish a baby. 9,429,453 prayers imploring heavenly help. 702 testimonies shared. 11,828 

hours sitting at steering wheel driving people places, etc., etc.

  It was so interesting to me as I tried to absorb this image in my head... I kept turning it over and over and trying to see closer what the images were, why I saw those images, and who they were of. When I looked deeper I saw that they were all ME in them.  I mean, it makes perfect sense, since this is MY life...but as I looked closer, yes, they were my fingers braiding the hair; my hands on the steering wheel of the car, my drops of tears, milk, sweat, blood; my knees on the floor of my quiet closet; my open lips and silver-filled teeth in a smile; my hands carefully placing a band aid, or kissing a boo-boo; my ears open and listening to a friend. But I could never really see ME all the way in them.
 Then it hit me, that each of those images was about OTHERS, and how what I had done was in

some way helping others.

These words entered my mind "It is MY life, but it really isn't about ME at all".  

      And I had a peace and a calm wash over my soul, in and out, like waves hitting the shore.  This is what is will be like, the 'judgment' or the 'movie of my life'. Those are the things that will be COUNTED to the Lord...the ones where I was truly GIVING of myself.  Whether in time, talents, sweat, tears, love, understanding, patience, listening ears, it was all about God's OTHER children. 

     All of the "me" moments that I have all too frequently in life, those where I pity myself or wish for 'more' or even for 'different', those where I waste time on selfish pursuits or worldly aspirations were ABSENT from the slide shots. All that was there were those images of GIVING.

 I would like to believe that it is because of true repentance/forgiveness. I would like to think that by the time that I am called back, that I will be able to see just such a slide-show. I want my life to be filled with more 'true GIVING' and less 'ME-LIVING'. I want to be a little stream who gently GIVES all day long, and not just a storm cloud who occasionally pours.  I think that is why God knew that I needed to be a mother, because I would be in a situation where I would be having to give all day, every day. 

  I just want to say that 18 years ago, I was just leaving high school, ready to go and brave the world on my own. I had lived a solid 18 years under a roof of love and light. I have made many mistakes along the way since, but have been blessed with peace through Christ and with a loving husband and 7 children here on earth to keep under my wing. In exactly another 18 years from now, the last one will fly from the coop, and I will be in the next SEASON of my life with Greg and all the adventures that will bring. My only hope is that I will have the gift of remembrance to get me to that point. Remembrance of the significant images that I saw in my mind. So that in the challenging TIMES ahead, I will be able to recall the importance of GIVING and of realizing that my life, indeed, is not truly my own.